heres my number, call me maybe

it's been about a week since sarah and mike have left and it's been bittersweet.  to recall all of last weekend would be to relieve it so i don't know if i want to but i'm going to.  friday night we had our school's company dinner and it was all four branches (yeongtong cdi and april, and dongtan cdi and april) so imagine about twenty teachers and five to eight counselors per branch not including the "mr parks".  that's A LOT of people in one place to celebrate a dark place.  for some reason i was in a pretty good mood this entire day and then the anxiety kicked in as i was leaving my apartment after work because i didn't want to be late once again to a company dinner (I've never been on time but now i don't have to worry because that was my last).

sarah receiving her goodbyes 

  well what do you know, we were late, we were the last ones there to show up in front of everybody and walk through a big crowd of coworkers once again.  the only thought in my head at the moment was: fuck (sorry for the inappropriate language) I'm not even drunk and my face is red now because my anxiety has peaked and what i didn't want had just happened but i have to play it cool, do they see my red face?  i plopped my ass down right next to boss lady and eyed the bottle of beer.  next thing i knew i was drinking it like with bryan bottle after bottle after bottle.
  about an hour had passed then the last branch to receive awards and give speeches was ours of course and the emotions started stirring up inside of me causing my eyes to get watery and tear up at the beginning of the good-bye speeches.  i don't know why but at that very pragmatic moment i realized: i think i will be okay after everybody leaves, albeit my judgment was impaired.  a lot of people leave their homes to go on an adventure and this is just part of mine, to actively participate in people leaving as i left others or lack thereof.

pretending to chug 

  the other day i updated my Facebook status with this quote: "time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself.  life's cruelest irony" because yes I've been "lonely" not existentially, but I'm saying that its not necessarily a bad thing like i had anticipated.  my uncle (and very good friend) proceeded to comment: "be yourself whether you are by yourself or not.  life may not be so cruel if you can be yourself" which is interesting because i had never questioned whether i was being myself or not and maybe that's the problem plus solution.  I had a tarot card reading the other day and the results told me that my life is put together with everything i ever needed and wanted, the only problem is that I'm choosing not to take advantage of every asset that i possess.  so how did i react?  naturally i responded negatively wondering how do i have everything i have ever wanted? but i guess i do: materialistically, financially, spiritually (almost), mentally (almost), friendships, family, a good home, a crazy but sweet canine, etc.  So here I am at a coffee shop on a Sunday night because this is my first step in driving to be myself, or at least learn who she is.

friendship bracelets with kate!!