this is inappropriate

but i dont care because you affected me.  when i first met you, you were so nice to me, and yet very authoritative.  i was vulnerable, young, shy, and new to the environment.  i liked you.  you were an asshole and for some reason i thought it was okay.  i never knew you were a berating person until people told me about you.  and still, somewhere deep inside of me, i knew i liked you and was okay with you regardless of what you did and said to others like me.  so in retrospect i didn't know firsthand that you were an admonishing kind of person of your type.  in a sense, i sort of looked up to you and admired you for what you did and who you were and i was really attracted to that image.  in the beginning of our relationship, i would always wonder where you were and when i saw you i would go out of my way to greet you.  but then came a time where you put your foot on the (your) ground and put me down.  i had mixed feelings.  i told all my friends what you did and how you tried to cover it up without my knowing it was you.  they all told me you were an awful person but still i wanted to believe that you were just doing you and that everything would be okay.  

then came my birthday and you bought me a nice gift and presented it to me in front of everybody but strategically so that it wasnt physically done that way.  my friends were jealous and i could sense it.  i continued to be on your side without anybody knowing that i was ever opposite of my friends.  

next thing you know it happened.  you took me out one friday night and got me drunk.  you gave me so much anxiety this night that nothing else in the world that was bad that had ever happened to me in my life felt like an ant bite.  you interrogated me of my feelings and beliefs without knowing you were doing it.  i was nervous.  was i a bad person?  did i do something wrong?  why are you talking about my friends like this?  and then all these thoughts came rolling in my inebriated mind.  that you truly are an awful human being.  you ask me what my intentions are and then combat it by telling me that im supposed to be the pure person that i am and have been since the day we met.  remember that day?  when you seemed so high and almighty, and i was so low and weak but fresh.  remember when you told me not to hang out with a certain group of people because we're different?  i believed you.  more importantly, i trusted you.  

you kept intoxicating me with your words and the alcohol until four in the morning when i succumbed to being taken home by one of your company.  i felt disgusting.  not disgusted.  but disgusting.  for listening to my friends but never believing their honest words.  for thinking that maybe you weren't that bad of a person.  i thought you would keep me safe and secure during our time spent together.  

yeah youre good looking and smart and all that.  but youre also berating, overcompensating, and dirty.  

you gave me the best thing and the worst both at the same time.  you made me realize that i cant always be loyal to the more valued first impressions.  you also proved to me that, maybe i am a bit pure inside and am of good nature -- but eff that, you pretty much ruined whatever pureness i possessed.  

as much as i really hate you, i appreciate you being a big part of my life because youve learned me the current state of mind that i have.  which is: it can only get better from here.

now heres where it gets good.  i dont know whos reading, but if its anybody i know, then youre sitting there trying to guess who it is -- and youre probably thinking OMG SHE WROTE A BLOG POST ABOUT HIM!  and youre multitasking by pulling out your iphone to message your friend/s just that.  

or maybe nobodys reading this BUTTT

as cool as it would be to have done that, im not that cool to exploit an ex, just yet.  

you are julia.  my boss in korea.  the woman who ruined many a peoples lives in korea.  F**KING JULIA, YOU ARE.  i wish you nothing but the best (whatever level that would be) now.